Visitors Review

MARIO GAUCI (2012-05-26 15:54)

ZETA ONE (Michael Cort, 1969) *1/2

I believe I first became aware of this sci-fi/sexploitationer via thebiography for actress Valerie Leon included among the extras on theAnchor Bay DVD of Hammer's superior BLOOD FROM THE MUMMY'S TOMB (1971);incidentally, the film under review was made by rival company Tigon.To begin with, the script was apparently inspired by a comic strip(such cinematic adaptations were all the rage at the time – no doubt,the makers were encouraged by the success of BARBARELLA [1968]). Still,even reading through the cast list, I knew not to raise my 'artistic'hopes too highly – given that it featured both James Robertson-Justiceand Charles Hawtrey, stalwarts of (respectively) the popular "Doctor"and "Carry On" comedy franchises…who actually turn out to be thevillains of the piece!! The narrative drew heavily on anotherthen-current fad i.e. espionage – in fact, the hero is a stud-likealbeit laid-back secret agent who naturally proves irresistible to thealien women (actually, an alternate moniker for the film) the titularfigure (played by veteran Dawn Addams) sends his way in order to derailhis investigation into the abduction of several earth girls.That said, the plot is barely there and becomes especially confusing –not to say silly – during the latter stages; for what it's worth, thefilm culminates in a chase wherein the otherworldly gals kill virtuallyall of their male pursuers simply by pointing their fingers at them(accompanied by the incongruous noise of gunshots)!! Needless to say,ZETA ONE's raison d'etre and prime asset is its relentless parade ofinnumerable but anonymous starlets of the era in the nude or otherwisescantily-clad: the above-mentioned Valerie Leon herself is underused,but fellow future Hammer lead Yutte Stensgaard – who engages the hero(to whom he's recounting his non-exploits) in a lengthy and decidedlyirrelevant game of strip-poker – comes off quite well (no punintended). Also worth mentioning are the low-budget but appropriatelypsychedelic sets and the title tune (featuring a reasonably effectiveguitar riff).

(2012-05-25 21:51)

Quite possibly the most ridiculous movie ever made

I paid special attention to the end credits of this film, fully expecting to see a formal apology by everyone associated with the making of this indescribably bad film. It is bad enough that this film was actually made, but now a company called Salvation has made this one of the first two releases of its Jezebel lineup of DVDs. Don't let the presence of scantily clad and topless women fool you - Zeta One is an abysmal film. I don't know who the looker on the box cover is - no one this attractive can be found in the film. This 1969 British film is supposedly kitschy, whatever that really means; from what I can tell, it means embarrassingly ridiculous. If you read the summary of the film, you will be wondering if you were sent the wrong movie as you watch the opening third of the movie. This may be the most boring twenty-five minutes ever caught on film; even the big strip poker scene is mind-numbingly tedious. Worst of all, we have to spend so much time with the film's main character James Word. I would not even insult James Bond by calling James Word a poor spoof of the man. Word is a spy of some sort who spends most of his time in bed. This is made possible by strange women who magically appear in his apartment from out of the blue. Girl number one is his boss' secretary, which allows her to see through Worth's "brilliant" fake moustache disguise; she pumps him for information about his latest mission, but he has other things on his mind. Did I mention the fact that Worth is a pitiful, rather slimy specimen of manhood? Anyway, Worth eventually opens up and tells girl number one this incredible story about a race of superwomen and the master criminal who tried to conquer them. Yes, a Major Bourdon and his bespectacled dweeb of an assistant Mr. Swyne have learned of the existence of a race of superwomen who live - well, no one really knows where they live; we do know they kidnap selected Earth women in order to brainwash them and make them a part of their female-only society. Major Bourdon is determined to get to the bottom of this for some reason that is never explained. Luckily for him, the Zeta women (Zeta is the name of their leader; I could never understand the name they were given in the film) all dress in identical mini-dresses and go-go boots, making it easy to follow them. (The mini-dresses and go-go boots are pretty much all this film has going for it.) Swyne learns that a certain stripper (actually, none other than the "Queen of the G-strings") is to be the next kidnapped girl, and Bourdon puts his plan in motion of discovering how (and where) to conquer these alien women. It all goes downhill from here. I won't describe the silly information we learn about the mysterious Amazon-like women's society or Word's proclivity for bedding every strange woman that appears from out of nowhere in his bedroom. Word does finally drag himself out of bed toward the end of the film, but he soon returns to the only place he seems to care about. Don't worry too much about the alien women; they have a Plan 69 for anything, it seems. You won't believe the weapon these girls use on silly human men, but you will see the absolutely predictable ending coming from a mile away.Truly, Zeta One (aka Alien Women) is one of the most ridiculous films I have ever seen. You can have a lot of fun with this film if you make a big party out of it and settle in with a bunch of friends to watch what is the ultimate embodiment of cinematic silliness; apparently, this film exists only for the purpose of being laughed at. Keep a special eye out for the big and absolutely ridiculous "elevator" scene.

(2012-05-23 20:34)

Better Than Expected

Secret Agent James Word (I guess his word is his bond) has just returned from a mission. He is met by his superior's assistant (his superior is UU (Double-U like an upside down M)). She plays coy and sexy but really just wants the details of his mission. During breaks in apparent intimacy he recounts his tale.He has been investigating a Major Bourdin who has been have a series of run ins with a mysterious force of women. They are led by Zeta and have the ability to teleport. It is unknown if they are from space, the future or another dimension, but they have set up a colony of women. They add to the colony through kidnaping and brainwashing.The film appears to have made no attempt at being erotic (check out the strip poker scene as an example) and the plotting is wooden (although some of the actual acting is quite good).In the end we learn what the secretary is really up to and the final fate of James. I have to say that I enjoyed it more than I thought I would based on the other reviews.

TimothyFarrell (2012-05-23 11:00)

An entertaining slice of mod silliness with plentiful nudity

"Zeta One" offers proof that the Americans weren't the only onescapable of making bad sexploitation comedies in the 60s. The Britishwere churning them out as well, and if "Zeta One" is slightly moreclassy than its stateside counterparts, its just as dumb. However, itsalso reasonably entertaining if you're a fan of 60s mod style kitsch asI am. Its a combination of various stock genres (the super spyespionage tale, a race of extra-terrestrial and attractive females, theRichard Lester-esquire mod tale, and as mentioned earlier the nudiefilm). For some reason, its agglomeration of all these swinging 60sgenres is pretty unique. Most people will be bored with this, but Ienjoyed it a good deal.As mentioned earlier, this is a pretty poorly made and cheap film. Thehumor isn't funny, but is enjoyable in that dated pop-art style. Thedirection by Michael Cort is workmanlike and there's plenty filler. Astrip poker sequence in particular is completely erroneous andobviously added to pad out the running time. Its watchable thoughbecause of how absolutely gorgeous the leading lady Yutte Stensgaardis. There's the wide array of eye-popping colors associated with thiskind of film, as well as some occasional crazy moments of psychedelictrippiness. The effects are cheap but a good deal of fun to watch."Zeta One" is pretty dumb, but fans of cult cinema and mod sillinesswill like it. I'm sure Austin Powers himself Mike Meyers is a fan, andwhile its nowhere nearly as good as "Danger: Diabolik", its still muchbetter than anyone of Pierce Bronson's attempts at playing James Bond.(6/10)